Helpless

Prompt: Helpless

Trigger Warning / pet death

I was sitting in my papasan chair doing schoolwork when I heard a weird thump. Being home alone except for my cat Shadow, I looked around. “Kitty kitty?” I called. Getting no response, I extracted myself from the enveloping cushion and saw him immediately, collapsed on the carpet not six feet away. Shadow was one to flop on the floor with a solid thud any time he felt like getting comfy. But the fact that he hadn’t come running, or at least turned to look at me when I called made a knot in my stomach. I rushed over and knelt beside him.

“Hey buddy, you okay?”

I reached out and stroked his long fluffy black hair, and the knot in my stomach tightened. My normally super affectionate baby didn’t lift his head or acknowledge me. His lips were parted so I could see his little fangs poking out, his breathing was ragged and his eyes were unfocused, staring off across the room.

“Ohmygod ohmygod ohmygod” I heard the words coming out of my mouth as I cast my eyes around the room looking for something, anything, to help my sweet boy.

My mind was racing. What do I do? Was he having a heart attack? A stroke? An aneurism? Do those things happen to cats? How was this possible? He was just zooming around the apartment earlier that day. The realization that his breathing was slowing pierced the fury of static in my mind, his little rib cage lifting and dropping with longer pauses between.

I lowered myself to the ground and lay in front of him, the side of my face pressed into the carpet inches from his nose. I wanted him to see me, since he couldn’t seem to lift his head. “It’s okay buddy. It’s okay. I love you. You’re my best friend. I love you, buddy. I love you so much.” I repeated it like a mantra as I stroked his fur.

And then he was gone. He sighed one last sigh and the pupils of his beautiful green feline eyes enlarged, and he lay still.

I felt like I was watching the scene unfold from a corner of the room. Everything felt far away. I heard a horrible wailing cry and realized it was coming from within me.

I scooped up his little body into my arms and for the first time realized how fragile his frame was. His head lolled like a limp rag doll, in the morbid way even an unconscious creature couldn’t mimic. I gasped for breath and rocked back and forth, holding his still-warm body to mine and kissing his furry forehead. I’m sorry buddy. I’m so sorry. I love you.

I cried so hard I thought I might vomit. My insides hurt, and my throat was sore, and my lungs couldn’t get enough air. And when I finally finished sobbing, I simply wept, for that was all I had the strength to do.