School Guilt Manifested
or “The Reading Slump”
There are two types of college students. The first type are the ones whose parents pay for everything; food, housing, tuition, etc. The second type are the ones who have to support themselves financially while attending school. That’s an oversimplification, but not much. Our society’s glorification of the college experience is directed at the first type. Those people can float through school, fully realizing their potential with extracurricular activities, social events, athletics or gym time, rigorous study, unpaid internships, etc. They can also blow all their time partying with little to no consequences, save maybe their grades. But chances are they’ll get a good job after college, regardless. The second type of college student can still take part in the activities above, but everything is a struggle, and there’s no way they can do it all. They don't have enough money or time. Saying to one of these students that “college is the best time of your life” is a complete joke.
A lot of older folks say that, though. Because they could do all those things even if they had to work. Americans used to pay all of their college expenses with a part-time job and still have spending money left over. Now days, you’re lucky if a part-time job even covers your rent and food, much less other bills and spending money. Oh, and yeah, it doesn’t even touch your school expenses, for which you’re taking on mountains of debt. Unsurprisingly, most college dropouts say it’s because of financial pressure.
Most type two college students are familiar with “school guilt”. School guilt is the idea that when you have some free time which isn’t attending class, working, or sleeping, you should do schoolwork. There are always assignments to work on, papers to write, and exams to study for. Even if you’re at some weird part of the semester where you have a gap between assignments, you should read your textbooks to prepare for the next class. Every professor tells you this.
It’s impossible to pull off. Doing college full-time and working part-time, or working full time and doing college part time, is way more than a full-time job. And there’s no way to “clock out”. Even when you have a little bit of time to relax or do something fun with your friends or family, in the back of your mind you’ll hear the little voice saying, “You should do school work right now.” It taints every fun experience you have for the four (or more) years you spend in academia.
School guilt manifests for different people in different ways. The most universal symptom is anxiety and/or depression, which is often self-medicated with weed, Adderall, alcohol, over-eating, or other vices.
One of the several ways school guilt manifested for me was by killing my love of reading. Which would have been impossible for me to fathom prior to attending college. Reading was my number one hobby. It wasn’t just a hobby; it was part of my identity. I was a reader, a bookworm, a bibliophile. Going to bookstores was what I did for fun. But even though I had books I wanted to read, I didn’t. When I had free time, I thought of all the school reading I should do instead, and it made me feel ashamed about reading something that wasn’t for my studies. So I usually ended up bingeing some TV show instead, which didn’t make me feel better, but it took less effort and dulled the guilt in the moment.
To my horror, the reading slump didn’t magically end over summer breaks between classes. I read so much rigorous academic work that reading just wasn’t fun anymore. Sometimes I could get swept up in a good book, but it was rare. I bet I only read a handful of books through my full four and a half years of undergrad.
I looked forward to graduating simply so I could find joy in reading again. I thought it would come back after I left school behind, but it didn’t. I would pick up a good book, blow through it, and think, yes, this is it! And as soon as it was over, I wouldn’t pick up another book again for months (even though I wanted to). I felt a weird hollow spot in the cozy nook of my heart that books used to fill.
I gave up after a few years, because then I entered graduate school, and the school guilt came raging back. By that point, I didn’t even want to read anymore. I was sad about it. I mourned the loss, but I couldn’t do anything to change it.
I graduated again in December 2020, and my new year’s resolution for 2021 was to get back into reading. Only the same thing happened as after undergrad. I was still just so burnt out. I read a couple of books, but intermittently. It didn’t become a hobby again.
Something shifted recently, though. I don’t know what flipped the switch, but suddenly it’s all back! I picked up a book after Christmas and it felt different. It felt cozy again. Like coming home. And as of writing this, I’ve already read ten books this year. That doesn’t sound like a lot, but that’s probably six more books than I’ve read any year of the last half dozen. And the year is still young. I’m overjoyed, and relieved to have reading back in my life. It was unsettling, and depressing, to have something I once loved feel so hollow and distant from the person I’ve become.
As much as I loved the idea of being a student and bettering myself through higher education, it just wasn’t good for my mental health. I’m glad I persevered, but I’m so much happier since that part of my life is behind me. I can leave work at the office, where it belongs. And when I come home, it’s comforting to know there’s a world of good books waiting for me.
